Conspiracy Theories!

After careful examination we have discovered that McDonald's secret sauce is thousand island dressing mixed with feces! It is amazing but true. It is government surplus dressing and pigeon feces! They have been keeping this under raps for years! Dave Thomas founder of Wendy's was the first to discover this. To keep him quiet they gave him enough money for his own fast food franchise, that's a triple F! Then Jimmy Hoffa found out, and you know what happened to him! Numerous people have found out but they have been silenced! Rodney King, Elvis, JFK, Colonel Sanders, Sam Wal, Andy Koufman, and numerous others. This thing runs so deep it comes up in china! So next time you want to try a nice Big Mac, I'd think twice! And just get some Taco Bell! Oh! Oh! And the Taco Bell dog, Gidget, She was killed too for knowing too much. That's why you see those feet stomping fags on TV instead of that witty pooch! THE FEET STOMPING FAGS WOULD NEVER TELL! THEY ARE TO BUSY TRYING TO COUNT THE FINGERS ON THEIR HANDS! So don't tell anyone we told you Ronald McDonald's big secret. Oh and by the way, if you are thinking this isn't true, Ronald has a magic bag full of political power! He managed to get the Hamburglar (His good buddy...) out of jail for burglary so many times it would make your head spin! Not to mention getting Grimace, the big purple guy, off the hook for murdering his wife and seven Asian children! Just remember this the next time you eat at this restaurant owned by a "Crooked Clown".

3/30/01

Gary Coleman's Secret Society

"The Wee People" Are a group of midgets and dwarfs, using their powers for evil instead of good! They used to be called "The Wee Men" But the women found that sexist and so they are now called "The Wee People"

This Secret Society is lead under "Rev. Gary Coleman" As he likes to be called. He believes that Midgets and Dwarfs are superior to regular people. He says that they have the size advantage because "The Bigger they are, the harder they fall.". He states that he "Wont rest until the blood of the big man run in the rivers, and I am king of The United States Of Gary". This secret society is behind the numerous unsolved murders in New York, and other places. When confronted by the other "Wee People", asking if all this killing is wrong, he simply states "I say kill em' all, and let God sort em' out.". He rules these midgets as a king. They have branches in all the major cities in the U.S. as well as in Canada, Mexico, Turkey, Urgay, Africa, and several other locations. They haven't been caught because of their size. They are small enough, that after they murder someone, they simply hide in a mouse hole, or in a refrigerator vegetable crisper, or a book bag. These pint-sized killers have been doing this for the past 15 years or so. They have decided that a society full of midgets would be much better. They say as an example that "Fun Size" Snickers candy bars are like "King Size" Snickers to them. That there wouldn't be any hunger in the world because of this. They have decided that the 'Loyal' 'Giants' would be kept to help them get things off high shelves and so forth. They are truly mad. Others in this society are: Emmanuel Lewis, The Seinfeld Midget-'Micky', Mini-me, and others.

Oh and if you think midgets are kind, harmless things consider these things that they do to make them feel superior: Always wanting to ride in the front seat, Insisting NOT to order off the kiddy menu, driving cars, getting jobs, and insisting to be called 'Vertically Challenged' Instead of 'Midgets'. So I'd think twice about petting one of these guys the next time you go to a carnival, or fair, and see one of these 'Murderous Midgets'.

Rev. Gary Coleman

4/06/01

The Lost Week...

4/13/01

Trees: Our Enemies!

Save The Rainforest, Trees are our friends, I like them tree thingies... These are saying you would think as wholesome, nice, and not-bad. WELL YOU ARE WRONG! Trees are out to get us. Some people say that they are our friends, that we need each other to survive. Let me explain this theory. We were told that trees release oxygen, and we breath in that oxygen, and that after we breath in that oxygen, we release carbon dioxide, and then the trees breath in the carbon dioxide, and then the process starts over again, and again, and again...and the circle continues. That theory is wrong! Trees are parasites. The definition of a parasite is basically in lamin's terms a 'moocher'. They survive by 'mooching' off another organism. The truth is, we do not need oxygen to breath! Even the pro-tree people will agree, if you have too much oxygen, and not enough of the other gases, you will get dizzy, and pass out, and can even die! (I found out at the lost in space website!) Well in fact, having oxygen, even in small doses, weakens us! We would be much stronger, less lazy, and have more superpowers, if we didn't have this oxygen in the air. The truth is, we really need to get rid of this oxygen! And how do we do that? Get rid of the trees! Those people destroying the rainforest are doing us a flavor! (That's right FLAVOR! WITH AN L! it just sounds better...IS THAT SO WRONG!) They are crusaders! Stickin up for the little guy! Some of those trees get to be like bigger than elephants, and buildings, and like...BIG! Those trees are taking us down SLOOOOOOOOOOWLY! It started back in the Kingdom Of The Dinosaurs! I'll set up a scenario to get you thinking. Imagine if you will, a young man-beast, lets call him Zippy. Ok well Zippy is walking around, wearing some sort of giblet, or rock as clothes, thinking to himself "dwana mena deeee mundo!" (oh did I mention that Zippy speaks AND thinks in...um... Zippy...uh... He thinks and speaks Zippyish!) Well he's thinkin or whatever, and then he smells something. In English he would Think "I smell something, that is making me get lazier, and lose my flying super-ability!", then he looks up and sees...BAM BAM! A tree! This was the first tree. Lets call him Greg. Now Greg was not like today's trees. He had a fourth as many roots as today's trees, and could survive about eight percent better in a desert than today's trees could...Oh yeah and he had legs. Legs, arms, a human like face and an afro. Now I know this is hard to believe, I mean a fourth as many roots! It sounds crazy! But its true! The tree yells (Its translated into English from this point on.) "WOWZA! I'm gonna beat you up and make you sniff my gas! Naaaaaaa!" Then Zippy replies "I may not be able to fly anymore, but me the only human (yeah I forgot to mention, he was the only human at this point...) will use the last of my super-abilities to make you have to stay in the ground...and not hurt me with your arms, and legs, and face! I will make them be no more!". And it was done. Except he forgot about oxygen! So Oxygen is still here! So now we must kill these murderous trolls! The UTCDKGU (the United Tree Cutting Down Kinda Guys Union) Has deceide to kick their barky butts! We must all grab, like pointy sharp things, and cut them down! Or at least run them over with heavy machienery! LETS DO IT! NAAAAAA! We must settle our differences and band together as one if we plan on defeating them! So lets start polluting more too. That'll show them. There is quite a few gases that can harm these trees, but the one that hurts them the most is human butt-gases! Now, these trees cannot survive without us giving them carbon dioxide! So lets all go out and fill up our nitrogen tanks, and suck away like there is no tomorrow! Because without us sucking down their poisonous oxygen, they can't get any carbon dioxide! So lets just drink the air we need! Nitrogen! Its eighty percent of the air we breath right now anyways! Its just minus a few comfort gases and the dreaded oxygen! (called Poopoo air in Belgum!) Now if you would like to become a member of the UTCDKGU just click the email button at the bottom of the page and email me, Namdlo! Now to be a leader of the UTCDKGU you must be a 'Baby Boomer' or at least not wear trousers all the time, and must drink only 'Big Gulps' From 7-11. You can be of any age, gender, or whatever to be in the UTCDKGU, you must meet these requirements however, to be a leader of the UTCDKGU. We except anyone from Dogs, to telephone poles, to lowly humans! So keep watching the stars and remember this next time you decide to have a picnic underneath one of these "Treacherous Trees"!!!

Artist's Conception of Greg.

4/20/01

Are Vegetables Good For You?

Are Vegetables Good For You? Yes! Of coarse they are! But fruits on the other hand... The difference between fruit and vegetables is that fruit has seeds inside of them, and vegetables do not. That’s how tomatoes (and green peppers) are fruits. But the thing is, eating tiny seeds can give you ‘Diver Ticulitous’. Now Diver Ticulitous is where the tiny seeds get caught up on the inside of your stomach. Now, when this happens it messes you up something awful! You start crappin’ like a Scottish carpenter! Now this is all proven fact. But the thing you DON’T know is this. Fruit was not hear when the earth was created. Back in the day of cavemen, one caveman, lets just call him ‘Trudy’, well Trudy was walking through the Brussel Sprout patch, when he saw some seeds. He picked up these seeds, shoved them in his nose, and then snorted them out. He then took a big feces drop on these seeds. Now Trudy was very sick, with a disease that usually only unicorns cold get. Now the feces he dropped on those seeds fertilized them. And with the disease and the snot, and feces , it mutated the seeds, messing them up something awful! Now these seeds turned into strawberries, grapes, and blackberries. Then from then they rapidly mutated for a few years, then mysteriously stopped. They had mutated into hundreds of different fruits! These were very deadly fruit. But through the years, they have become less deadly. They can give you Diver Ticulitous, yes, but they also take 30 years off your life! These fruits used to even live! Have you ever seen that movie “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes“? Well at the begging of the movie, they mention that in 1963 Albert Hitchcock made a motion picture entitled “The Birds” a film which depicted a savage attack upon human beings by a flock of the winged creatures. People Laughed. In the fall of 1975 seven million black birds invaded the town of Hopkinsville, Kentucky, resisting the best efforts of mankind to dislodge them. No one is laughing now. Well its essentially the same thing. Except the opposite. The movie “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” is based on a real event. The writer secretly knew about this, but no one else did. I suppose you are asking ‘How did you find out this thing, that must be true!?’ well the answer is simple. There is an ancient scroll, this scroll called “Trudy’s Scroll” tells of an ancient war. Between good and evil, right and wrong, human and fruit. This war which was called “The Epileptic Battle” was one that lasted seven years. The fruits had great mental advantage over the humans, they also had a greater number of warriors. The human’s would have had more warriors, but this was a long time ago so women, and fruits (gays...not the soil sitting, feces eating plants!) were not allowed in the army. But the humans had one thing the vegetables did not have. Heart. They wanted it more. So after one caveman named ’Boonzier’ ate one of these fruits, in a heroic kamikaze move, he let this huge flatchulent roar! It disabled the fruits permanently! Making them vegetables! (not LITERALLY a vegetable, but you know, brain dead…) So they have no choice but to sit back and watch us eat them! But they do strike back with Diver Ticulitous, and the whole shorting our lives thing! So that’s about all the information I have on that, but just remember that corn has ears and , cabbage and lettuce have heads! And so just remember THAT the next time you try to eat one of these “Ferocious Fruits!”

4/27/01

Radio Waves? What do we REALLY know about them!?

Radio Waves. They fly through the air, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. You naturally assume that they are harmless. I mean if they weren't, wouldn’t the government do something about them? Unless the government were the ones keeping it under raps! These radio waves are constantly in the air, and the only reason we don’t hear them, is because we don’t have the proper equipment installed in our brains. Its sort of like gases. There are toxic gases in our air all the time, but most of the time we don’t see them. But who says we can’t hear these radio waves? Who says that in our subconscious we don’t hear them? That we are force-fed subliminal messages twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week!? And not only in our brains, but on radios, TV, CDs, and Cassettes. Through what method you ask? Rap music of coarse! I mean, it isn't REALLY music! Its talking...and annoying bass lines. The government pays off some superstars, and other people that people look up to, and make them say “Oh yeah! I LOVE rap music! Cuz’ I be chillin’ on the west side with my homies, listening to Yo money cool Dawg, and it be tight yo!” And all the kids then say “Oh yeah! Rap is cool! That one guy on the TV says its cool, so I agree!”. Inside each of these rap songs are carefully placed messages. They are hidden inside each “song”. It takes extensive studying of a “song” to figure out what is contained. Inside one “song” we found this sentence: “Kill things! Steal! Steal! Be mean! Steal Steal!” now HERE is the hidden message: “Kill people! Steal steel! Be mean! Steal steel!”. The government wants people to kill more peoples that they can hire more police officers and other government officials so that they can be a big threatening mob! They also want to put the steel businesses out of business so that they can make their own steel! They HATE other steel people, but they wont let the government use their designs to make steel, because they like it to be their own thing. So the government has to make the expensive titanium. But these radio waves do MORE than just send the filthy subliminal messages! When they enter your mind, they introduce your brain to several types of radiation! These types of radiation do the following: Make you more susceptible to Alzheimer's disease, and Bipolar disease., and makes you stupider. This is a proven fact. Albert Einstein discovered this before World War II, and was told this by the government: “If you tell ANYONE about this, we will bash you in the head with a sledgehammer, and make you eat cat feces till you go blind!”. This has been the cause of several events, one being a major event but unfortunately we are not free to talk about them, especially the major one. *COUGH* VIETNAM WAR *COUGH*. Well that’s about all we have on this subject. Well just remember that the next time you listen to one of those “Repulsive Rappers”.

6/28/01

How Televisions work.

Oopa!

This is Namdlo! And have i got a DOOZY for you! Now TV, we all know how that works RIGHT? WRONG! Now you think that tons of Little Satellites send these messages back and forth providing us with picture, and sound, and that beloved Bill Cozby. Well Actually...now your gonna call me crazy... There are tons of little midgets living in the TV! Now under the theory these have been speculated under, these kinds of things are known as Autococker Elves. Things that defy logic completely, but are largely considered to be true. Now im not a big time Lawtographer But I do know when something is real. Now to come upon such a thing I had to go to Drastic measures. I've gone where no man has gone before. I "the" Namdlo, went behind that little plate inside the TV that says "radiation" and so forth. And inside i saw WEE little men who resembled Billy Crystal, Chevy Chase, Mr. Ed, Poke-Man, That guy who always says "Hi", and Regis, among MANY others. I said to them, I says "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! NYAAA! Get outta my TV, WHATS THIS?! Im confused...I was just watching the news...eating some Mexi-Nuggets...when YOU changed the channel on me...I CAN'T SING! YOU EXPECT ME TO SING!...etc" And finally after I rambled on for a while Fat Albert came up to me and said "HEY HEY HEY! I dun heared nuff' bout' your jibba jabba! Now HEY HEY HEY I don't wanna' hear this no more! Im king of this town! HEY HEY HEY!" I then stepped on him because he looked too much like me, and was scaring me. I then documented everything, before I had to throw up a kidney from the immense levels of radiation I was just in contact with. It might now have been so bad If I didn't eat so many of those radioactive "Autococker Elves" including Jane Fonda, Little Richard, The Wizard of Oz, and that little boy from that show "I Love Lucy" What's his name? Bubba Lou? ANYWAYS! I then discovered that they were bite-sized clones of these famous people, put into our TVs JUST! to confuse us! I know this sounds a little extreme, but the duck on my lamp-post told me that its perfectly normal when we have a demmy-crat in the white house. Keep in mind this is not a democrat, but a demmy-crat which is a ancient canadian word for telephone, which is another story in itself. SO! Why is this important, how does it effect you, and why is this important? The answer is simple. There is tasty radioactive Cosbys in our TV boxes! So remember that the next time you watch one of those "Enchanting Elves"!